The Wanking Dead

artwork by callmeplisskin

Naughty Nights and Kinky Tales Story #6

A spooky story of Alynnya Slatefire by KatieD

author’s note: the segments in italics are conversational ‘asides’ to the audience members listening to the story. This will make more sense if you read the main story: Naughty Nights and Kinky Tales

So my next spooky story began, as many of them do, with me on a lone patrol on a deserted road, headed somewhere to retrieve something.

Just before sundown I came across a deserted village.  It appeared strangely neat and tidy, but there was not a soul around.  Shop windows held sun-faded displays, empty tables and rocking chairs rested on porches, and wagons without horses were parked on the street.  

I tested the doors of a couple shops, but everything was locked.  The same with the lone inn…too bad, because I didn’t yet have a place to spend the night.

I was hungry, too.  I spied a tavern across the street.  Thankfully its door opened for me.  If nothing else, I figured I could sleep on the bar; if their kegs still still held wine or ale, even better.

“Hello?”  I called out cautiously as I stepped into the dark interior.  There was just enough reflected light left for me to make out the bar and a couple stools.  I set my pack down on one, and sat on another.  It felt great to be off my feet for a moment.  I contemplated taking off my boots to rub my feet, but decided to see about the beverages first.

As soon as I stepped behind the bar, I heard an odd noise.  It was guttural, like the grunt of a goblin, but more pained and lonely sounding.

Yes, Prim.  I’m familiar with what a lonely goblin sounds like.  No, I’m sure I haven’t run into nearly as many as you and Tia have.

While I peered into the darkness at the far end of the bar, trying to identify where the sound came from, a similar sound came from behind me.

I whirled.  The creature there looked like a man, or perhaps what once had been a man.  But his flesh was withered and his hands were gnarled.  His eyes were dull and lifeless and sunken in his head.  His hair was unkempt and his clothes were torn and dirty.

I couldn’t take my eyes off his hands…mainly because they were reaching out for me.  I turned away, and the one that had made the first noise stepped from the shadows. 

I was trapped behind the bar between them.  I had to act fast.  Putting both hands on the bar, I kicked my legs up and vaulted over it, performing a full flip and a half twist as I did, and landing in a heroic pose–one knee bent, other leg out behind me, my arms balanced out to my sides.

Why thank you, Prim, I suppose it was graceful of me.  I bet you could have done it even better!

And you’re right, Aya, I never did get that drink.

Even if my landing was heroic I wasn’t sure I felt the same until I knew what was going on.  I decided a retreat to the street was a wise move, so I grabbed my gear and sword and stepped out into the last of the twilight.

The two creatures slowly followed me out of the tavern, shuffling along and reaching their crooked fingers toward me.

I heard the sound again.  And again.  I looked and saw two more pairs coming from opposite ends of the street.

Yes Evie.  I was nervous.  But it was not time to draw steel yet.

As they got near me, they began reaching out for me and clicking their teeth open and shut.  They looked hungry, and not in the sexy hungry way orks and werewolves look at me…

Yes, Elspeth, I’ve been around enough monsters to learn their expressions.  This was not the same ‘hungry.’

I spied an opening between buildings and darted into it.  The shambling creatures kept following me, and others joined in as I passed them.  Where at first there were two, then four, now there were at least seven following me.

I started to get a little frantic as I searched for a way out of the maze of deserted houses and buildings.  Suddenly a creature appeared, coming at me from a side alley, and I dodged between the buildings on the other side.

Unfortunately that direction of the alley was a dead end.  By the time I realized my mistake and turned, there were at least thirty of them closing in.

No, Evie, I’m pretty sure I said thirty the first time I told you the story.  You might have heard me say twenty, but I’m sure I said thirty.  

Anyway, now it was time to draw steel.  As I recall I said something really clever, like “come get some” or “Oi, bring it, you primitive screw-heads!”

I hacked and slashed and slashed and hacked.  Arms and legs were flying everywhere, but that didn’t slow them down.  I cut one in half, and her top half kept crawling toward me!  Body parts were piling up around me, but they just kept coming.  

Finally I figured out that only cutting off their heads kept them from coming at me.  Again and again I hacked away, and slowly I began thinning their numbers.  Groovy!!  24, 19, 16, 11…I was so happy to see a clear path opening up that I didn’t even notice they had moved around me…

…until gnarled hands were grasping at me from behind, clutching at my legs, tugging at my pack and tearing my shirt and trousers.  I spun and lopped off those limbs, earning me a moment’s reprieve, but then the others were upon me.  I struggled and flailed, but they were getting better grips on me now. Probably easier now that my clothes were becoming shredded.

And those clicking teeth of theirs were getting awfully close.

I was already losing my balance when I tripped over a head.  Suddenly, I was going down.  Just like that, four of them leaned over me while I lay sprawled over the bodies of their friends.

Yes, Aya, I’m sure it was the first time I ‘went down’ that day.

I pushed and swung at anyone and anything that got close, desperately trying to keep their hands–and teeth–off of me.  That’s when something odd happened.

As I pushed against the body of one of them, my hand grasped against something hard.  Something in a very familiar, hard shape.  

And as I did, he froze.  He stopped trying to grab and bite me.  

Until I let go…then he immediately started grabbing at me again.

I reached out and grabbed…and he stopped again.  

You’re right, Evie.  We all know what to do with one of those in our hands.  

As I stroked him up and down, he didn’t just freeze, he became passive and his shoulders slumped in relaxation, his hands hanging down from his sides.  There even seemed to be a flicker of light in his eyes.

I still had other hands on me and teeth closing in.  I reached out toward another’s trousers and grabbed the bulge there.  He, too, stopped grasping at me and knelt there with the remains of my t-shirt in his hands.  

Well that was taking care of two of the creatures…I head-butted the one trying to bite at my neck.  And kicked out at the one trying to nibble my knee through a tear in my trousers.

That bought me a little time to focus on the two at hand.  In hand.  You know what I mean.

Don’t look at me like that, Elspeth.  I saw you on Goblin Isle.  You cheat.  Yeah, I know, I promised ‘what happens on Goblin Isle, stays on Goblin Isle.’

It took a surprisingly short time for the first one to grunt and achieve his goal.

Yes, Millie, ‘achieve his goal’ is a code word for something else.  Yes, something messy.  

No, Bree, their ‘stuff’ is no worse than goblin ‘stuff.’  

Yes, Millie, I know about goblin ‘stuff,’ too.  May I continue?

So anyway, as soon as he finished, he sighed and stood up and walked away.  It was almost like he was human again.  I didn’t have too long to think about it because another one immediately took his place.  He snarled and grabbed at me and clicked his teeth, so I grabbed him and started doing the same.

I’d killed all but about ten of them with my sword, but the remaining ones were all crowding around again.  I could feel their hands on me again, hear the sounds of their grunts and teeth.  It would only be a matter of time before they overwhelmed me again.  And I only had two hands…

The second one had just finished up and as soon as he turned to walk away, another moved into his place.  While I grabbed him, I looked down my body at all the hands on me.  One was holding my bare foot and about to bite my toes!  

I kicked at him and yelled, “Hey! Wait your turn!”  

He looked up at me and cocked his head to one side, as if…as if he understood me.  Again, I didn’t have time to think about it.  I had more pressing issues.  Literally.  One was pressing on my bare breasts, as if determining if they’d be more tasty than other bits of me.

Two at a time was not going to be enough.  Thankfully the remaining ones didn’t seem as aggressive as the first ones who had pinned me to the ground.

I pulled the creature in my right hand down toward me.  As long as I kept stroking, he happily followed.  I opened up my mouth and pulled him in, and began to do what needed to be done.

I kept going with my hands and mouth, pleasing each of them as quickly as I could, until they turned and walked away, satisfied.  I lost count, but it seemed like many more than ten.  Either more of the creatures had wandered down the street, or some were coming back for seconds.

Oddly, the ones I hadn’t gotten to seemed to be waiting patiently in a queue.  Still grunting and snarling and snapping teeth.  But in an orderly fashion.

I don’t get it, I muttered to myself.  First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me?

And then I was presented with a new challenge.  The creature beside my shoulder was obviously a woman.  She had probably at one point been quite beautiful.  I could still see evidence of a once-stunning body, too.

Well, if it worked for the men…I guided one of her knees up and over me to the other side of my head, and well, once again, I did what needed to be done.

What’s that, Evie?  Yes, I’m sure you were just stretching when you crossed your legs.

After what seemed like hours, the last two were finished off.  I watched them wander off and collapsed back to try and catch my breath.  It didn’t matter that I was laying on my back in the middle of a pile of body parts, I was mostly naked, and covered in…’stuff.’  I needed to rest.

Just for a bit…

It was nearly dawn when I jolted awake.  I was completely alone.  The bodies and body parts were all gone, without a trace they’d ever been there.  I was still naked with only a few shreds of clothing, but it seemed my body had been washed.  There was no trace of the tawdry events that had happened there, other than some soreness in my hands and an odd taste in my mouth.

Yes, Bree, it was salty, just like goblins and orks.

Yes, Millie, I know what orks taste like, too.

My boots, my sword, and my pack were all placed neatly near my feet.  It even looked like my sword had been cleaned.  And if I wasn’t mistaken, my hair had been brushed!

I dressed quickly in my spare trousers and my last tee-shirt.  I really needed to stock up next time there was a sale.  

What’s that Laressa?  Oh that’s wonderful, I didn’t know you offered discounts to friends!

I wandered back up the street and back to the main road through the town.  Unlike the deserted road I’d first witnessed, there were villagers walking in the street, sweeping shop steps, and rocking in chairs on porches.  

It all seemed so surreal…it was as if nothing spooky had ever happened here.  I was almost beginning to think I had imagined it all.  I probably would have believed that if several of the villagers weren’t missing arms or legs.  The guy in the rocking chair had no legs at all.  

And the barmaid bringing him a drink had the prettiest smile and most fantastic body.

Yes, Bree, I’m sure that’s exactly who that was.

Several of the villagers waved to me and smiled as I cautiously walked by them and out of town.  All except the guy sitting on the steps with no arms.  He just nodded.

What an odd little village, I thought.  I’d have to stop by this way on my return journey and see if things were any different next time. 

~~~~~~

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